Happy glorious Wednesday.
This is Day Three of the no-in-studio audience. If you do not hear laughter after many of my hilarious jokes, pretend that you are Joy Behar doing stand-up.
I feel like that last CNN producer in a healthy sexual relationship — so alone.
You may recall the Fox News Christmas tree torched by a maniac last month, which led to him being released on bail.
Chris Cuomo is wrong.
These are the best guy — Craig Tamanaha.
This is going to blow your mind. But he is on the run. This isn’t a nice way to be a animal lover.
ALLEGED FOXCHRISTMAS TREE-ARSONIST ON LAM, AFTER HE HAD BAIL OUT
He did escape from prison, which is a good thing. But he failed to comply with the conditions of his release, according to the Manhattan DA’s office — an office that lets more criminals off than Greyhound.
The arraignment was for one of the following: felony second degree criminal mischief; misdemeanor third-degree reckless endangerment and misdemeanor five-degree arson.
It’s a crime to torch a tree 50 feet tall on a sidewalk.
Here I was TP-ing in the high school gym.
But due to criminal justice reforms enacted in 2020, no bail was set, so even though the judge ordered the guy to “regularly check in with a supervised release program,” he didn’t.
So now he’s missing like petty cash when Kat’s around.
He didn’t even check in. Surprising, right?
You’ll probably tell me next that William Devane purchases gold.
Miley Cyrus can also use a tongue.
Billy Ray. Although I had no idea you could make something so annoying as “Achy Breaky Heart”, you made it.
Who could have predicted this?
In a Dec. 8, episode, “The Five” discussed the Fox Christmas tree arson.
Mr. Magoo could see this coming — if he hasn’t already been shot.
The libs can see their mistakes.
They’re instead of changing their pro-crime, destructive practices which led to insane spikes in violence, but they are tripling down their stupidity. And even though we’ve heard great stories of our new “tough on crime” NYC mayor, his new “progressive” DA Alvin Bragg won’t seek prison for most crimes, downgrading felony charges in armed robberies.
The elected DA also has greater power than any of the three branches.
He’s going to support police like a water bed.
This — after smash-and-grabs are more common in stores than nipple-less mannequins.
Bragg did order prosecutors not to seek a “carceral” sentence for murder or other serious offenses.
Carceral is the new cool word that describes people who believe Joy Reid is deep.
Also, he says minor crime won’t be prosecuted at all, so unless you’re dismembering a family with a bolo knife on their front lawn at noon, you’re not going to be inconvenienced with jail time.
Forget about the high-quality-of-life enforcement of New York’s laws that was implemented decades ago.
Anything is possible.
After the director shouts “Cut,” these sidewalks will be covered with more poop that a German porn star.
Sure, crime will drop — because there’s no point to reporting it.
Some examples from Bragg’s memo:
Armed robbers using guns and other deadly weapons in order to ram up shops or businesses will only be charged with petty theft, which is a misdemeanor.
I wouldn’t want to be a cashier right now — their lives don’t matter.
TWO QUESTIONS FROM JAN. 6 CAPITAL RIOT
The felony charges against criminals who are caught using weapons other that guns in their possession will be reduced to misdemeanors.
They could be referring to sporks as a weapon.
Burglars who steal from residential storage areas will be prosecuted for a low-level “Class D” felony, and you know what that means — a dramatic increase in booby traps.
Bragg is probably being called insane by the media, but they won’t be calling him out.
Plays of Chess where several criminals are released from prison.
If you don’t live in New York City you might be thinking “Typical stupid libs.” For living in New York City, you are guilty. Or, you should get out of there!
First off, I need to be heard.
It’s not New York City anymore. It’s America.
And I am referring to America as Texas.
According to victim advocate groups, criminal suspects released on multiple felony bonds in Texas’s most populous county have murdered 156 people since 2018.
Yeah, over 150 people have been killed by free-range scum — all murders that could have been prevented.
This is Texas again, and Texas kids are allowed to have gun racks mounted on their bigwheels.
This is not New York City, California, Seattle, Portland, or Seattle.
The red state. The law-and order state. This is our last chance. Joe Manchin, the Joe Manchin.
Yet, they must continue to act like they’re being forced into a frat.
It is interesting to see what the Angry Black Male believes.
Skit is upset by criminal release policies.
He’s right. So unless you start your own anti-crime group, as well as recalling these DAs to undo these laws then we are screwed.
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Consider that you will be watching other networks make terrible claims about tomorrow’s so-called “insurrection”.
The only people who are important to the media in criminal cases is Viking-hatted goofballs.
They’ll also condemn any act that validates their contempt for you. This puts them (the media) in the center of peaceful demonstrations that resulted in the death of an unarmed woman.
She is not the only one who matters.
This is exactly what happened last year during the riots. The media can’t make crime stop if it doesn’t seem like a crime.
And it’s never a crime if it doesn’t happen to them.
This article was adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue in the January 5, 2022 issue of Gutfeld!