America! Happy Thursday So much great news. But first – seven jokes.
Both American and Southwest Airlines say they’ll comply with President Biden’s order to force their employees be vaccinated. Spirit Airlines is going to require their employees brush their teeth.
According to the president of the Toy Association, kids may not be able to get the toys they desire this Christmas because there are so few. Dana Perino said, “Great! More money to spend strippers.”
Jon Gruden, who sent emails containing racist remarks to the Buccaneers Ring of Honor, will be expelled. Some believe this is hypocritical since O.J. Simpson will remain in the NFL Hall of Fame. But that’s an apples to oranges comparison since there’s no proof Simpson sent mean emails.
It has been difficult to find costumes for Halloween in shops due to the global supply chain crisis. Chris Cuomo will pretend to be journalist this Halloween.
William Shatner, who is now 91 years old, became the oldest person to go into space this week. Scientists think the 90 year-old took over the control of the rocket, as it did not turn off its turn signals.
Minnetonka Footwear has come to an apology for manufacturing moccasins over 75 years. The CEO of the company has announced that it will change its name to Elizabeth Warren in an effort to rectify the situation.
And finally — with Biden’s war on energy independence, the price of coal has skyrocketed. All the kids who aren’t careful will have their stockings filled this Christmas with solar panels.
These are the seven best jokes.
You may not have known that Bill de Blasio is the New York City Mayor. He’s also well-known as “a walking tree of Turds” and plans to remove Thomas Jefferson’s statue from City Hall.
Jefferson, a Founding Father of the United States, was also our third President. However, he was also a slave-owner. It had stood there almost two hundred years. That’s one year for each week of de Blasio mistakes.
After all of the troubles in the city it became clear that this piece deplorable marble needed to be removed. Think about that.
One woman had just been brutally beaten on the streets of New York, repeatedly stomped upon, and then left to die. Times Square is filled with people who dodge bullets, much like Neo in The Matrix. Thomas Jefferson? It’s obvious that he is behind everything.
There was also the murder of a Filipino nurse Saturday afternoon at Times Square by an insane criminal. That alleged killer had been released after groping another female, but clearly – if there was no Jefferson statue – that wouldn’t have happened.
The major city has seen a dramatic increase in the number of homicides. In places such as Chicago, they have begun installing bleeding control kit in hundreds of buildings. The kits include supplies such as tourniquets and gauze, scissors, gloves, and instructions. Although I was aware of the severe labor shortage, now it is up to you to repair your gunshot wound.
What do you think you’d expect if you allowed such statues? Chirlane McCray, de Blasio’s wife suggested that the statue be removed. She said I already share a bed with a blockhead, I don’t need another one staring at me while I’m at work.
She heads up the taxpayer-funded program Thrive which is worth 800 millions of dollars. Which was designed to treat the mentally ill – like the guy who murdered the nurse. Where is the evidence that this program worked? Brian Stelter did a quick donut factory run and the money vanished faster than Stelter.
If you take a casual drive around the city – and you don’t get carjacked first – you’ll see countless destitute zombies. It’s difficult to find out who is responsible for helping them when the woman in question is the mayor.
You’re being asked to help the deranged and sick, but you don’t know what you should do. People you are supposed to help do squat all around. You can find them on the streets, at businesses and in parks. It is your job to chase the statues.
What is the reason? Is it safer to remove statues than make New York’s elderly or poor safe? It does not.
Statues can be used to protect you from being shot at when it’s not your fault. In fact, we could use a lot more statues – of really fat people. Grover Cleveland Henry VIII Michael Moore! Everything is fine with me. Because the public is finding fewer hiding places.
Deflection is what really motivates statue removal. The activists class are a stupid, shallow and stupid bunch with bizarre priorities. Their leaders understand this. All you need to do is dangle some performative act of symbolic justice in front of them, and like a hooker in front of Hunter – they’ll climb all over it. Then you won’t have to do any work.
You can defund police officers, bailout thugs, and rapists to watch your city time travel back to 1970s. Then, blame the statues. A mayor or his spouse can continue to coast by changing the subject to erase the past and calling it progress.
The problem isn’t limited to New York. Whether it’s San Francisco where they’re closing down drug stores due to crime, or downtown Portland enduring another night of mob violence – all you need to do are a few things.
Require the removal of the “problematic name” for a grade school. For an “problematic” pioneer, cancel a holiday. Remove a statue of an “problematic founder.” All this in the name equity and antiracism.
The elderly and the working classes are being victimized daily by criminals and maniacs. It is all a great joke. You’re protected from any criticisms for whatever terrible mess you have left behind as long as you wake up.
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Also, take down the statue. Rename a holiday. Congratulation!
You can also tell them “sorry for your loss” if a parent has lost a child or the child has been abandoned by a madman on a street corner. Keep in mind that bust about Jefferson. It has also disappeared. We’ll just call it “Even”
This article was adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue in the October 14th 2021 issue of Gutfeld!
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